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'''Northern Bastards'''
Author
DanChan123
Date Published
2/27/14
Rated
M
Genre
Violence/Humor
Next Episode
No information

This fake, fanon episode was created by DanChen123.

Synopsis

Its almost time for the Park County Soccer Tournament, and Cartman is determined to humiliate North Park and show that they are dirty "commies", to all of Park County, so Cartman decides to join the soccer team, though against his will, since he's out of shape and is terrible at soccer. But after killing the star player of South Park, Kenny, Cartman is kicked of the team days before the tournament. Can Cartman join the team again, and defeat North Park?

Plot

North Park is a small town about the same size of South Park, located 5 miles North, and the kids their at NPES, are "huge d*cks" according to Cartman. Soon, there is a soccer tournament in Park County, between East, West, North, and South Park.

(A thing about North Park) B/c of their high Russian ethnic population, Cartman calls the North Parkers, Northern B*stards, and "Commies".)

Cartman decides to join the soccer team, with Stan, a defender, Kyle, a good offense, Kenny, the star goalie, and Butters, the secondary goalie who always messes up, and a bunch of other notable kids. Because he's fat and is a terrible runner, the coach constantly calls him "fat*ss", and makes him third goalie. Although all the kids don't want him to play, Butters always feels sorry for him.

During the scrimmage, coach puts Cartman in as goalie. When he receives the ball, he punches Kyle who is trying to score. Coach calls him out but Cartman starts arguing about how he's goalie, and goalies can use hands, to punch. Coach explains you can't punch people in soccer. Then Cartman yells at him saying his jersey is to small. He cusses and throws the ball hard, and it goes over the fence, hits a cat, a dog runs over to bark, which accidentally trips over a skateboarding kid, who falls in the middle of the road, a driver tries to stop the car from hitting the fallen boy, and the car hits a house, starting a house fire, in which a woman inside rushes out, and a man trapped on the higher level of the house throws their baby down to the woman, but the woman can't catch and the baby bounces off a tree, then falls in through the window of an arriving fire truck, which causes the truck driver to crash through the fence, and a fire hose malfunction happens, blasting into Kenny and knocks him miles away. The entire soccer team yells at Cartman: "You killed Kenny!"

But Cartman says, "What? It was just an accident!"

Later, Cartman gets kicked off the team.

After weeks of practicing, the Park County Soccer Tournament arrives. Cartman still wants to join the team however, because he wants to "kick the North's Ass". During the game, Cartman is able to organize all of South Parks fans in a cry against the "Norhern B*stards", which is a reference to the "Korean War crisis". The funny thing is, Cartman is dressed up like the US president, and the fat mayor of North Park looks like Kim Jong-un.

The game starts, and Cartman and a bunch of other school kids have the letters "PISS OFF COMMIES!" written on their bellies, in which they show to the crowd. The push past, replacing Wendy and her cheerleading team. During a throw in by a North Park-er, Cartman demonstrates his farting skills, and continues to mess up the enemy team. However, a North Park-er pretends to get injured by Butters, who is in goal. Butters tries to say sorry, but another North Park-er shoots, hitting Butters in the face, and making a goal. Cartman gets angry and gets into a cuss fight with the North Park-er. Determined to avenge Butters, Cartman requests to be the team's goalie. Butters agrees to Cartman being his replacement, uttering his last words, and also, before blacking out, confesses on looking up naked pictures of Kim Kardashian.

So the team reluctantly agrees, since they have no more replacements for Butters, since Kenny's incident.

Cartman, trying his best not to get someone hurt, but the enemy always takes the ball. Cartman then finds out that whenever he makes a mistake, the ball eventually hits someone, and he can't get called out b/c it was by accident.

Kyle says,"But your just gonna hurt someone by accident again!"

Cartman: *All cool tony* "Exactly"

So Cartman makes mistakes now and then, and a bunch of North Park-ers get injured. Every time it happens, he says,

"What? It was just an accident!"

However, one North Park-er, a star player, #9, always seems to dodge and score goals. Another North Park-er, and #9 performs an injury trick on Cartman, the same as Butters, to end the tie. The ball hits Cartman's face, however bounces of the pole instead, in which a North Park-er accidentally kicks it. While all of the South Park-ers are crowding around Cartman, the South Park crowd gets angry and basically goes to war with North Park. All of East and West Park forfeit and run away from the battle. Its basically a reenactment of a Korean War battle.

However, no one notices the ball, which hits the nacho-man, flies out of the park covered in nacho-cheese, bounces on a kids trampoline, and hits a skate boarder, and all of the Kenny incident starts again, until the fire truck hits a gas truck, blowing up part of North Park, which sends people screaming. A military helicopter lands in the area, however a crazy drunk man running away jumps off a building and puches the military pilots off the helicopter, and flies the copter into a nuclear weapons factory out in the Colorado wasteland, which launches missiles aimed at the soccer stadium at North Park.

With the deadly crisis at North Park, the international news channel says that federal troops are gonna contain the city. It zooms onto the secretaries of homeland security and war, which one is clearly reading a playboy magazine, and the other playing on a Wii U. They suddenly notice and explain that things are great.

Eventually, the federal troops are evacuating the people, saying that missiles are gonna hit the stadium. The team tells Cartman to evacuate, however Cartman still wants to kick the North Park-er's *ss.

"For South Park and democracy!" Cartman yells. Carrying a bunch of soccer balls, he knocks out the North Park players, crazily. The coach and a federal troops has to pull Cartman away, but he points at the missiles in the sky yelling, "The commies shall die tonight!" repeatedly. The missiles strike, instantly killing all of the North Park soccer team.

The next day, Cartman wakes up at a nuclear treatment hospital. Butters, Kenny, and the rest of the team stand next to him. They all give him flowers and cookies, except for Butters, who gives him a picture of Kim Kardashian in a bikini. They all apologize.

The mayor, Catman's lawyer, Cartman's mom, and a court agent, arrive, saying Cartman has to go to court.

'The next day, Cartman is court martialed for manslaughter, child-abuse, and organizing a war between North and South Park. But before the judge can say anything,

Cartman says, '"What? It was just an accident!"

Characters

Major Characters:

  • Eric Cartman
  • Butters Stotch
  • Kenny McCormick
  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski

​Other Characters:

  • Craig's Gang (Soccer Team)
  • 9 & North Park Soccer Team
  • North Park Mayor
  • A bunch of recurring South Park Characters
  • South Park Cheerleaders (including Wendy Testaburger)
  • Federal Trooper
  • Coach
  • US Secretaries of War and Homeland Security
  • News Guy
  • Kim Kardashian (canon)
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