The Rise of Ass-Talker is a hypothetical new instalment in the new kid saga. Now with a space sci-fi theme, but with the same formula as the Stick of Truth and Fractured But Whole games. The map will be larger, featuring 2 extra streets. The game would also be longer, totaling 5 days and 5 nights, plus a bonus night, and include excursions into the Post-Covid future, the Go God Go future, the past when the parents were 4th graders, and Hell. The setting starts out normal, but soon gets a bit post-apocalyptic, but don't let that get in the way of your game. After all, what does the fate of a small town matter when the fate of an entire galaxy hangs in the balance?
Game Mechanics[]
Vehicles
With a larger map, you will need a faster way to travel around it. That is where 'spacecraft' come in. You'll start out with a bike as part of your kit, and later gain access to progressively more absurd vehicles such as Mark Cotswolds' hamsterball, Mr. Garrison's 'IT', an ostrich from the future, and Butters' OP dressage horse. These are the 'spacecrafts' as per the game's theme, and you will be able to accessorize them with weapons, armor, and Wacky Races type gadgets. Take the roads or platform across rooftops, and if you see a ramp, use your farts to burst forward and clear like 16 homeless. all of your combat buddies will also be equipped with their own 'spacecraft' as it is considered a prerequisite to playing the game since the town is now a galaxy, and walking between star systems would just be ridiculous!
Combat
Combat will be very similar to The Fractured But Whole, but often with larger grids where range attacks and mobility become more important. Many battlefields will also feature more 'king of the hill'/'capture the flag' type objectives. And some will also feature things you can interact with like turrets, barriers to shoot from behind, or even hijackable vehicles. Your team's vehicles can also be used in combat, to get around faster, offer protection, or break through obstacles, depending on what type of vehicles they are.
Pursuit Battles
In addition to regular battlefield combat, there will also be a new type of combat called 'pursuit battles'. These are still not that different from normal turn based TFBW battles with the grid and everything, but now with vehicles. Don't think of racing games here, this is profile view where all the vehicles are facing either right or left, while the background scrolls past in the opposite direction. maneuver ahead of, behind, or beside opponents to try out different attacks. It's essentially full blown Wacky Races. Slower vehicles may start each turn by moving a space or two back, but can be boosted forward with farts, rockets, or some other mounted device. These battles will also often feature quick-time events such as environmentalists standing in the road trying to hit you with their protest signs.
Factions
There are 3 main playable factions this time around; The Rebels, The Empire, and The Federation. While each has a very distinct personality, they all have the same objective of taking territory by capturing outposts from the other two, and ultimately conquering their bases and claiming the entire galaxy as their own. After you've earned the trust of all 3 by the end of day 2, you'll get to choose a major faction to side with for the rest of the game. You'll also be able to recruit your choice of minor factions, some solo characters, and even convince kids from the other factions to change sides if you can jump through the right hoops for them. Just be mindful that becoming allies with some may involve becoming enemies with others, and navigating the complexities of galactic politics will be its own strategic game on top of everything else.
X-Friends
You'll be able to track how you're doing with your alliances via the new social media app 'X-Friends'. This works similarly to the social apps from the prior games, as a hub for tracking mission progress, getting hints, and viewing all your followers. The difference is that X-Friends is a place where you can keep up with your friends and non-friends alike, and even random strangers who hate everything about you and will never be your friend. While you will no problem gaining followers, the score you get at the end of the game will be based on who actually attends your birthday party, and therefore how many presents you get, which from the beginning Cartman tells you is all that truly matters.
Dialogue
The new kid does not speak ...with their mouth. But when they decide to stick a futuristic interpreter device into their ass, they're suddenly able to translate their farts into english. This will be a vital tool for diplomacy, but will also get you into trouble in unforeseeable ways as your dialogue options will be limited to vulgarity, non-sequiturs, and other unhinged things that should not be said out loud by anyone. This is such that if you get asked a 'yes' or 'no' question, it will not be entirely clear which option will mean 'yes', and which will mean 'no'. Over time you will gain greater control over your new butt powers, allowing you to taunt, rally, and confuse during combat, and ultimately gain the ability to perform jedi mind tricks/the voice from dune, and mind control people with your farts. There will be missions that involve dating sim style gameplay, where you try to not lose your virginity before you've even turned ten. And there will also be rhythm style gameplay where you try to fart out one word at a time.
Map[]
Other map things[]
This game will have a lot more going on outdoors, and with the changes that happen to the map between day 1 and 2, the interiors of each building will not be as high a priority as they were in TFBW, especially if it's somewhere already covered by the other games. Instead there will be much more platformer type exploration from the street view perspective. This includes weaving in and out of buildings to collect loot, and using your vehicle to jump across rooftops.
At the end of day 2, you'll discover that the top right corner of the map will connect to the bottom left, and later you'll find that the top left and bottom right connect to eachother as well.
Nathan is your fast travel system. He has a portal gun (a squirt gun full of Mountain Dew which he forgets isn't as neon green as the branding suggests). He also helps you get into the sewers, which will be important for getting around certain obstacles. The sewers won't be as maze like as they were in TSOT, but will be full of enemies and long enough to not be the easiest shortcut.
Time Travel:
You'll do your time traveling from a car at the gas station.
In the Post-Covid future, you'll be able to travel from the Denny's Applebee's Max, past Jimbo's Army Surplus Emporium to Stark's Ponderously Dystopian Mega-Freeway Underpass, and from there to all of Main Street.
The Go God Go future will mostly be inside, with the outside functioning only as an arena.
You can also go to the Goobacks future, but you'll be completely unable to move due to the sardine-packed overpopulation.
The vaguely 1980's past will only consist of the gas station to the mall, but the inside of the mall will be very explorable.
Other Travels:
While Hell is not going to correlate to the main map, it turns out that buildings go to hell when they die, and so you'll see the U-Store-It, mall, Tower of Peace, and the ladder to heaven, which has been repurposed as the ladder back to earth.
Imaginationland is a small easter egg area reachable via catching a leprechaun in the weedgrove that replaces Stark's Pond by day 3. It features only the townsquare where you can meet cereal mascots and Mr. Mouse.
Factions[]
Main Factions[]
The Rebels[]
Championing sovereignty and freedom, this confederate alliance of star systems will never allow tyrants to take their rights away, no matter how highly controversial they are. While there might be some bickering and the occasional civil war over what the core priorities of The Rebellion should be, it is through mutual opposition to the other factions that they unite under the leadership of Jedi Master Cartman, who is principally concerned with preserving the right of every free man to own and sell slaves. His loyal Padawan Butters is happy to go along with this as part of his jedi training, training which consists of doing Cartman's chores and servicing The Rebellion's vehicles.
If you join The Rebellion, Butters can give you unique vehicle-related bonuses.
Members:
- Jedi Master Cartman
- Padawan Mechanic Butters
- Arms Dealer David
- Pilot Niccole
- Sniper Kyle
- Demolition Expert Kenny
The Empire[]
Committing to the aesthetic of space fascism, these patriotic brutes will stop at nothing to see the despotic will of their overlords enforced throughout the galaxy. Little do they know that their leaders conspire to enforce constitutional limits on themselves, free and fair daily elections, and equal rights for all their citizens. Supreme Emperor Craig and Supremer Emperor Jimmy cooperate behind the scenes to maintain the illusion of absolute despotism in order to win reelection because of how popular it is among the voters. If ever one is exposed as weak or traitorous to the cause of malevolent dystopia, the other rises up and overthrows him in an act of flashy anti-democratic theater. No need to let the rank and file of the imperial army know that all their votes actually counted.
If you join The Imperium, Craig can give you weapons and armor related bonuses.
Members:
- Supreme Emperor Darth Craig
- Supremer Emperor Jimmy
- Super Soldier Timmy
- Medic Scott Malkinson
- Drone Pilot Tolkien
- Space Smurf Clyde
- Sith Lord Red
The Federation[]
With peace and stability as their guiding principle, this company of noble voyagers aims to create a stable cosmos for their scientists to safely explore deep into the far reaches of space, and for their mercantile backers to conduct their secretive trade. Alas, there can be no peace until the perpetrators of war are vanquished once and for all, and any amount of violence to reach that goal is well worth it. Vulcan Admiral Kevin captains this fleet with the intelligence he's gained from reading tomes of Star Trek trivia, and with the logic and integrity he has innately from being born a space elf. Portal Jumper Nathan is both his top advisor, and top donor to his Star Trek figurine collection. While it may seem like Nathan wields oligarchic power over The Federation, in reality he's much too distracted with his own illicit business.
If you join The Federation, Nathan can give you sphincter-related bonuses via fecal transplant.
Members:
- Vulcan Admiral Kevin
- Portal Jumper Nathan
- Assistant Portal Jumper Mimsy
- Scientist Wendy
- Red Shirt Scout Bradley
- Flamethrower Tweek
- Tank Commander Dougie
Subfactions[]
Space Pirates
As an anarchist splinter group of the Lil' QTies movement, these domestic terrorists fight for what they want when they want for any reason that suits them in the moment. Spurred on by Prophet Dogpoo, this self-interested band of misfit grifters is a pure force of chaos ready to occupy any power vacuum and harass any random passerby.
Members:
Amazons (Girls)
What began as a simple game of house is now a sophisticated logistical operation. Under Bebe's strict management, there's no time for silly games or bathroom breaks. They've got dolls that need same-day deliveries, and bottles that need peeing in.
Members:
The Borg (Goths)
The goths, vamps, and emos have decided to finally put aside their differences to form a powerful anti-conformist hivemind. These individuals all like vaping, skating, and whatever else the goth kids say is cool.
Members:
Reptilians (6th Graders)
These cold-blooded shape-shifters love nothing more than daring each other to do dangerous stunts on their bikes and bullying Fourthies. The 6th Grade Leader pulls the puppet strings of their shadow society, and particularly likes manipulating Kevin McCormick into repeatedly injuring his balls. Their motives may be a deep mystery, but if you give them something they can take behind the bushes, that can be just enough to bring them to your side.
Ewoks (Kindergarteners)
These small creatures may look cute and innocent, but behind those baby faces are savage animal instincts. Their primitive tribal society is comprised of a few clans, such as the Squirts headed by Ike, known for their craftiness, the more hyperactive Booger-Eaters headed by Filmore, and the PC Babies who have no leader; only the poop they throw at anyone who says anything offensive.
Intergalactic Aliens (Mexicans)
From distances greater than Earth telescopes can detect, these migrating aliens are hungry for opportunity and are so affordable, it's literally illegal. While they are among the more peaceful species you'll encounter, the process of reaching them may prove to be more trouble than it's worth.
Loners[]
Space Cowboy Stan
Stan appears to be on his own hero's journey independent of any decision you make. Sometimes he fights with you, sometimes against. Despite continually switching teams, the connections and respect he's accrued throughout the galaxy make him a uniquely important ally to gain if you want to bring the best fighters to your team.
Predator Shelley
A mighty huntress from the far reaches of space, Shelley uses her advanced prowling and stalking abilities across social platforms to enact suffering on her ex's and girls who have slighted her.
Cosmonaut Cotswolds
After spending years alone in near-earth orbit, perhaps Mark and Rebecca's research is finally done, and they are ready to rejoin society, and offer their brain power to your cause, or perhaps they should just stay in their space station because their research is never done, and nothing up there is ever as scary as human interaction.
Space Ogres Bill and Fosse
A dim and clumsy race, Bill and Fosse have only discovered space travel recently when Fosse's dad left the keys in the ignition of his motorcycle. This pair of ogres are particularly inseparable due to how gay it would be to dismount and risk anyone seeing the boners they got from the ride.
Pip
Hell isn't so bad if you have a friend there, and luckily Pip's friendship is immediate and unconditional. If you need a powerful day 5 ally, and don't mind the stench, grab a shovel.
Enemies[]
Zealots[]
With the safety of the Jewish people as their top concern, this post-apocalyptic biker gang of recent converts has found creative new ways of expressing their faith and Jewish identity, much to the dismay of the other Hebrews in town. Whether playing with their giant spinning saw blade dreidels, or blasting death metal from their giant flaming menorah pipe organ, surely no one can doubt that these guys know how to worship Moses. Their leader is an original character named Ben, whose paranoia about the possibility of terrorism, and obsession with his own identity, will lead him to war with nearly everyone else in town.
Termanids (9th graders)
Known for their misshapen pimple-strewn faces, lanky sweat-secreting bodies, and foul odor detectable from light-years off, this species is as unpleasant to be around as it is dangerous. Scientists believe they may have evolved from reptilian spores, but with the advanced weaponry and armored carapaces of the Airsoft Nebula, no one is brave enough to get close enough to find out. Scott Tenorman leads this bug colony as it wreaks havoc at the edge of the galaxy.
Realtors
Realtors occupy each of the vacant houses, and each need your help dealing with their nuisance neighbors so that they can clear out the blight that must be responsible for their falling property values. However, their path of demolition is ever-growing, and no world in the galaxy is safe from their bulldozers.
Protesters
While many are upset about the city's recent decisions, these environmental activists are the only ones with the free time and shamelessness to do something weird and unproductive about it. Let's see commuters try to get to work now once they've cemented themselves to the road. Randy leads them in chants and sign-swinging against every single passerby in this asteroid belt of living columns.
Power Plant Workers
Linda and the other milfs have gotten into nuclear engineering, and now supervise a team of highly productive automated workers from Boston Dynamics. This high-tech workforce uses proprietary technology designed to drain their buildup of internal radiation from discrete discharge outlets into convenient disposable bottles, allowing them to work perpetually in any inhumane conditions their demanding bosses impose upon them.
Canada Geese
Like normal geese, but more gassy and block-shaped. These migrating vermin are mean and territorial, and resistant to everything except fire.
Mutant Weed
Randy's new new strain of fast-growing, highly psychoactive marijuana can cause immediate hallucinogenic effects if burned. Side effects may include hallucinations so vivid that they fight you.
Others[]
Otters
The fate of their world is in peril, and their only hope rests in a time child saving the future from the past. Though they may be slow to reveal exactly what must be done, you know preventing a catastrophe at the nuclear power plant is part of it. If only timephones had better reception.
Cops
Suspecting an arsonist is on the loose, Sergeant Yates orders the whole town be closed off so that the arsonist cannot escape. The city must prove that the public's safety is their top priority, which is why preventing evacuation during a city-wide natural disaster is worthwhile so the police can conduct a thorough investigation.
Smugglers
Officially, Nathan and Mimsy are aligned with the Federation, but with the boom in unlicensed fecal transplants, their real agenda is climbing through the sewers to retrieve the real good shit for their black market employer. Of course, since they've been so kind as to open portals for you as your means of fast travel, you won't mind returning the favor by doing some porta-potty dives for them. What, you thought that shit was free? But if you ever need a fix, you'll find the boss in the back of a certain eatery on the outskirts of town.
Heretics
Rabbi Schwartz and Kyle's parents are among many ostracized from the synagogue for their insufficient commitment to Judaism, and if they don't want to be rounded up for their antisemitism, they may need help from the galaxy.
Spacecrafts[]
These are all the vehicles The New Kid is able to collect and use throughout the game. Cartman makes it very clear you are not allowed to play unless you have a craft to traverse the galaxy with. These will be used for general travel and platforming around town, as well as in combat.
Speed Crafts[]
These are great for pursuits, and doing cool jumps, but can weigh you down in open battle.
Your Bike
The McGuff DX Cruiser is super cool once you take the training wheels off. Just make sure to put it back how you found it so your parents don't find out you've been riding it before they surprise you with it on your birthday.
Big Wheel
A good backup when you have absolutely nothing else.
E-Scooter
No one knows where they came from, but where they went is in a big pile in Shi-Tpa Town.
6th Grader Bike
A bit dented, and slightly too big for you. ...And why is the seat sticky?
Girl Bike
Strictly for delivering packages, despite its pretty sparkles and tassels.
Timmy's Spare Wheelchair
Just don't think this will automatically make you an elite super soldier like Timmy.
Ostrich
Some think the future of transportation will be flying cars. Turns out it's mostly flightless birds.
Big Gay Al's Special Dog
Wow, what a cute d- wait a second, is that just Mr. Slave galloping around in a leather dog gimp suit?
Quad
It's not fair that older kids get better toys.
Boston Dynamics Dog
The power plant workers aren't allowed to take breaks, but maybe one of them can work for you. Just watch out for its radioactive pee.
Zealot Bike
Don't worry about the pillars of black smoke it emits; it's perfectly kosher.
IT
IT's better than flying.
Melancholy
Because why f yourself with an IT when you can f other people with a pony?
Light Crafts[]
These vehicles are good for infantry mobility on the battlefield, but poor for pursuit battles as they lack the equipment slots for serious vehicle/vehicle combat.
Cotswolds Hamsterball
Good for blocking damage as long as you don't count all the damage to your reputation from using it.
Goth Skateboard
Skating goth is effortless; like if you're moving forward at all then you're doing it wrong.
Hoverboard
You know, the kind that don't actually hover.
2060's Hoverboard
The kind that do.
1980's Rollerblades
A bit old-fashioned, but sometimes you have to go a few decades back if you want something with decent build quality.
Heavy Crafts[]
These are a bit slower and less maneuverable, but come in handy for breaking through obstacles in or out of combat.
Little Tykes Car
Sure, it might be a bit cramped, and slower than walking, but who cares about that when you've got nostalgia?
Go-Go-Action Bronco
Mrs. Claridge says yes, yes, you can use her to recharge your Power-Wheels' battery.
Mobility Scooter
Who says old people need a driver's license to be a public menace?
Bumper Car
It's not clear how this still works after it's been severed from the ride at Whistlin' Willy's, but it wouldn't be the craziest thing to come out of a pizzeria.
Kid-Sized Kumboni
Well, it's really the boys' fault for being so tempting in the first place, so why not make them take care of the cleanup?
Randy's Tractor
Bio-fuel powered, you know, for the environment n' stuff. May cause minor impairment. Do not operate while driving.
Story[]
Background[]
The story follows a branching timeline where the major roles and plot beats are the same but with different factions depending on your choices. Each major faction will slot into the following role:
- Your team (the faction you ally at the end of day 2)
- Enemy A (the first faction you attack on day 3)
- Enemy B (the remaining major faction)
Your birthday is coming up. When you make your character, you'll be asked for a mm/dd birthday, and the game will start off a 'nearly coming up' amount of time before then. This date also assigns you a star sign, which acts like the character sheet stuff from TFBW; very important, despite not making any difference at all.
There's a new nuclear power plant in town that nearly all the adults have misgivings about, either because they think it's unsafe, un-environmental, or because The Simpsons did it.
Ben is a new adult character very similar to Rabbi Cartman in his fixation on Jewish identity and iconography (I would have just made him Rabbi Cartman if there was a way to make that make any sense).
Main quest[]
Day 1[]
Jedi Master Cartman comes over, needing a bandage for his scraped knee. He notices the birthday marked on your calendar, and explains that more friends = more presents, and that some friends are better to have than others. He invites you to join The Rebellion, but only if you have a ship, then leaves. Overhear your parents mention a bike they hid in the garage for your birthday. Take this, and go to Butters' house.
Buy training wheels from Butters, a gun from David, and learn to ride from Nichole. Then go with Nichole to gather the forces of Kyle at the synagogue and Kenny fishing at the pond.
Buy Nathan some Mountain Dew to get his help into the synagogue through a secret poop smuggling tunnel in the sewer. Beat up Ike and the squirts to get to Kyle. You see a heckler (Ben) voice concern that the power plant could be the target of terrorism.
Angry geese prevent Kenny and his dad from leaving Stark's Pond. Deliver fireworks to the mayor at the power plant opening ceremony for Jimbo in exchange for goose repellent. The mayor lets you keep the fireworks due to the event being interrupted by protesters led by Randy who cement themselves to the street.
After that, go to get Stan, but find that The Empire led by Supreme Emperor Craig has already recruited Stan because you took too long. After a fight with them, they convince you to join The Empire as well. Go with Stan, Timmy, and Scott, as they raid a Rebel outpost, then meet Craig at the fire station to loot snacks from the potluck BBQ that they're hosting, and find a really surprising amount of loot in the fire station itself.
Next, go find Tweek, who's not at Tweak's Coffee, or home, because he's actually at the library playing star federation with Wendy, Bradley, Dougie, and their leader; Admiral Kevin. They were not aware of war in the galaxy, but decide to join it on the side of peace. Join them, and go on a diplomatic mission to the Rebel base where you suddenly have to defend with them against a surprise imperial attack. You learn about Rebel plans to do a massive counter-assault on The Empire, and Kevin decides The Federation will have to intervene.
When ready, go with them to the South Park sign where the other teams are already fighting eachother. Help The Federation win against both of them, then to solidify the peace, go alone to the lookout point to light a peace beacon (the firework) which will be seen across the galaxy. You fail at this, and start a massive fire instead. Fight geese at the bridge as you flee the flames and go home. Hide the bike where you found it before going to bed.
Night 1[]
Evacuate with your parents because a fire has engulfed the whole town. For some reason the firefighters can't find any of their equipment. The police block the road by home depot because Sgt. Yates wants to solve the arson mystery, Orient Express style. Your parents have to drive through Weed Valley, but then get pinned under a fallen tree.
Look for help at Tegridy Farms, but first, Towelie needs you to run through burning weed fields to activate sprinklers to save the weed. but the water runs out, and you must fight hallucinations as you carry Towelie to safety. Meet up with Stan, Tolkien, and their families, and go with them to the community center, as you see an ambulance take your parents to the hospital.
Day 2[]
The town gathers at the church where Ben interrupts and claims the fire was a terrorist attack targeting the Jews, and tries to start a holy war. Other Jews tell him to shut up. The mayor decides to shut down the power plant, but leaves the protesters stuck to the road. Go home and find that your bike was stolen. Check on your parents at the hospital who tell you to visit them daily. You also help a Gooback time traveler get some time gas at the gas station, who you're able to comunicate to with your farts for some reason.
Back in the galaxy, the failure of the peace beacon creates concern, but Kevin believes the peace will hold, while The Empire prepares for war, and The Rebels fight a civil war. In any order, help each of the factions as you look for your bike.
Help The Federation vanquish alien pirates led by Dogpoo at City Hall, and rid the Denny's of the non-conformist borg led by the goth kids. Kevin is awarded the metal of bravery by the Denny's waitress.
Help The Empire go through the sewer full of angry 6th graders, to take Dark Meadows from the realtors. Get Gerald to defend their squatter rights by picking up Ike from daycare, and fighting off the unruly kids there. Gerald says he'll help any time you have legal trouble. Return to Dark Meadows where The Empire holds an election that is won by Supreme Emperor Jimmy.
Help Cartman and Butters try to rescue Nichole from Amazons at Bebe's RV, despite Nichole not wanting to play anymore, then defeat Kyle, Kenny, and Stan at their SoDoSoPa base. The Rebellion reforms as a confederacy, but Stan still hasn't made up his mind on which team to be on. On the way back you discover Kyle and Cartman's houses being demolished by the realtors who considered them blight.
Next, align yourself with a minor faction by doing a side quest for one of them, then join them to one of the main factions. This will be your team from here on.
When ready, use your combined forces to attack the 9th graders led by Scott Tenorman who has your bike. Chase them through town, as realtors decide to chase you with their bulldozer. This dislodges the protesters from the road. But in the end, Scott just throws your bike into a trash compactor.
Night 2[]
The gooback abducts you on your way home, and takes you to the Post-Covid future. Someone gives him an interpreter device, and he tells you this is just a pitstop to get more time gas. You find Butters at the Denny's, and return a book to the library for him. The library is gone, and 'returning a book' is just future slang for selling drugs. You get arrested by Police Chief Tolkien, and have to do more errands as you get into fights with lots of super sensitive gen gamma kids, and malfunctioning Alexas, before returning to the time car.
You get brought to the Go God Go future where otters task you with preventing a vague disaster.
On the way back, you hit a time tree, killing the gooback who knew all the specifics of the mission. It's now several weeks after day 2, the gas station attendant demands an explanation, so you jam the gooback's interpreter device up your butt in order to talk to him.
Day 3[]
Ben has become leader of a Mad-Maxian barbarian hoard of zealots who are all recent converts to Judaism, and terrorizes the town from a base in the junkyard. All the other Jews have become ostracized from the community, with many of them in hiding. You find the hospital barricaded, preventing you from seeing your parents.
After weeks of buildup, there are now massive forts at the downtown alleyway, Dark Meadows, and in the backyards between Butters' and Kyle's houses. Your team has lost all their other territory to the other teams, and you must reclaim it. Stan joined your team while you were gone.
Now try to get more enemies to change sides, and help another minor faction in order to muster enough force to assault one of the other two bases of your choice and destroy it. The carnage is too much for Stan. Him and your other allies disperse while your core team assembles at your base.
Repel an assault from the remaining enemy. Then regather old allies, or new ones for an assault on the remaining enemy base. You attempt to attack them, but instead they come out and propose a ball game to settle your differences.
Meet them at the football field where you learn the game is actually sarcastaball, and they have secretly aligned with Gary and the mormons who are national sarcastaball champions. Here, you have to learn how to give lewd compliments with your butt in order to win. Return to base, but then discover that it was bulldozed by the realtors, because the Enemy A leader got salty and told on you.
Night 3[]
Your time car got repaired, and you try going back further, but overshoot and end up in the vaguely 80's. Some kids invite you to go roller skating at the mall, and there you meet Randy who needs your help navigating a love triangle between him, Sharon, and another girl. You screw this up and Stan and Shelley are erased from the timeline. Teenage Jimbo would like to one day open a gun store in the mall, so you burn down the record store to make room for him. This makes the mall continue to exist with Jimbo's Guns being super successful there.
You go back to your time and see that the mall is there now, but the otters get pissed off because the power plant was preventing global warming which was the actual tragedy they're trying to stop, and the shutdown of the power plant was the disaster you were meant to prevent. You can now time travel from the gas station whenever you want, and fix your mistakes.
Day 4[]
Now the Enemy B team has defacto control over the whole map, and the other team has joined them, and most of your team has surrendered. But your leader is undeterred, and tells you to sneak around the enemy forces to gather new allies for your insurgency. Bringing Stan back to existence and back to your side will be especially important to getting others to join. Doing this also ruins Jimbo's business venture, and the mall turns back into the power plant.
Surprise attack the remaining base. In the middle of fighting, you discover they've been hiding Jewish refugees from the zealots, and just then the zealots storm in looking for them. You help the refugees escape but the zealots capture your team leader, and accuse him of being responsible for hiding heretics. They're going to execute him unless you unite with the Enemy B team to try and save him.
When all the normal minor factions chicken out, steal Bebe's RV to ram through the police barricade so you can recruit the Mexicans. Find Christophe at the motel, who will dig you a secret back entrance to the junkyard next to Freeman's Bike Repair.
When ready, sneak into the zealot's base. There you discover your bike has been turned into a huge menorah trident wielded by Ben. You get caught and are forced to compete in 3 challenges. First, death soapbox derby; second, death sarcastaball; third, death metal battle of the bands. Unfortunately you fart so much that it is declared antisemitic and you get disqualified and sentenced to death. The first defeated leader escapes as all your friends get dragged away and you are thrown into a pit of spikes where you tragically bleed out and die. The End.
Night 4[]
You go to hell where you meet Pip and Jason at the bus stop, then Ms. Crabtree takes you to hell school, and Ms. Choksondik introduces you as the new student. After you fail to say the pledge of allegiance, the demon principle comes in to discipline you by using demon powers to make the rest of the class fight you. You win, but you and Pip, are then arrested and brought to court where Gerald randomly shows up to represent you. Judge Damien gets bored and decides to have a trial by combat instead. You defeat him, and he gives you demon powers, and shows you the way out via the ladder to earth. Finally, he casts a reincarnation spell over all of South Park
Day 5[]
It's your Birthday. You wake up with other zombies in the morgue under the hospital, and try to find your parents. You hear them being tortured behind a locked door, and have to leave to get help.
Gather the minor factions and the Enemy A team with your demon powers to storm the junkyard to rescue your friends. During the attack, your farts stop working, and your allies leave you. You win anyways but discover your friends had already escaped earlier thanks to Stan. Take back your bike which can be magically repaired at Freeman's Bike Repair.
Find your friends at the new secret base in the abandoned power plant, which protesters also occupy. All your friends gather to form a new faction, and elect Stan as their galactic president. The Enemy A leader comes in and convinces everyone that you cannot be trusted since you're a zombie and have demon powers. Just then, the otters call to tell you to do whatever it takes to turn on the reactor. Fight all your friends and protesters as you bike across the power plant to insert all the fuel rods. As the power flickers back on, President Stan says he trusts you, and says that if they bring power back to the galaxy, they can all go back to playing video games, and this war can finally be over. The protesters also change sides and support you. The Enemy A leader leaves in disgrace.
Go with Nathan and Mimsy to DikinBaus to fix your butt. There you almost get a poop enema from Mr. Garrison, but then cops show up, and you all have to flee. Garrison crashes his 'IT' and quickly hands you an empty enema bag before him and Nathan are arrested.
With rumors of an enemy army coalescing, you're sent on a desperate mission to forge an alliance with the 9th graders. Unfortunately Scott Tenorman chooses war. Fight your way out and get chased to the hospital. The 9th graders block your way out as you follow the sounds of torture from a distant room. Fight through hospital staff, and a random room full of Hamas members for some reason, until you reach the cafeteria. You then discover your parents are fully recovered and staying there voluntarily so they can donate their poop for fecal transplants, and the torture you heard has actually just been them eating gross hospital food. But your happy reunion is cut short by Stan calling to tell you to return to the power plant. Find and steal your parents poop, and give yourself an enema to recover your fart abilities.
Night 5[]
At the power plant, the Enemy A team has shown up with the remaining zealots and the realtors there to evict you. Just then, the otters call to tell you this is the moment you need to save the power plant from demolition. The realtor's mega-bulldozer knocks loose some wires that supercharge your bike, and when you get on it and fart, it unexpectedly activates your bike's secret time travel ability and you and your team get teleported to the very end of day 1. Battle Boston Dynamic robots who see you as intruders. The boss robot throws your bike across the sky into the airsoft field before you defeat it. Grab fire extinguishers and try to fight the fire already consuming the town, but it's too late. Go home and steal the bike from your garage and travel back to day 5. Morgan Freeman calls to offer some special enhancements for your bike that make it super OP. He also reveals that he was the one who sold the bike to your parents in the first place.
Now return to the power plant where the power plant workers, protesters, 9th graders, and the rest of the town gather to help you defeat the enemies inside. Give an impassioned speech to rally your forces, then charge in for the final battle. Defeat Ben who now pilots the mega-bulldozer, then have a big death race showdown with the Enemy A team leader who reveals that he also went to Freeman's Bike Repair to get crazy vehicle enhancements. Once he's defeated, the mayor comes in to stop all the fighting and declares that the power plant will be destroyed because even if it's good for the future, it's ruining the present, and reveals that she only approved it in the first place because future otters told her to, but the future can go F itself, and the old coal power plant will be turned back on instead.
The galaxy looks to Stan for what to do next, but he abdicates, and you are elected the new galactic president.
Epilogue[]
The power plant is demolished, Mexicans rebuild the town, and you enjoy your birthday party as the credits roll. If your dd/mm birthday is the same as another kid's, your birthday banner will include that kid's name scrawled at the bottom, while your own name is obscured by balloons.
Bonus night[]
After collecting all Triangles of Zinthar sprinkled throughout the game, return to the Go God Go future, and have a kaiju battle with a Godzilla sized Manbearpig.
Side Quests[]
Daily Horoscope[]
Visit the Psychic and surrounding businesses each day to take increasingly elaborate personality tests and then receive a vague and generic daily horoscope from Miss Lindsay. This is how you'll build your character sheet as well.
On day 1, customize the lines on your hand to determine your sex, gender, nationality, and sexual orientation which Miss Lindsay will reveal through a really lame palm reading. You will also be presented with the option here of loading a save file from TFBW that will port your character sheet data to the new game. She uses a crystal ball to give you your horoscope.
On day 2, she sends you to CumHammer for a brand evaluation to where you decide your religion, political alignment, victimhood status, and sexual orientation via a personality test and slot machine. Go back to the psychic where the crystal ball stopped working because it needed electricity, so she just uses a magic 8 ball instead.
On day 3, she sends you to the pharmacy for a psychiatric evaluation where you try different drugs to decide your cognition type, health, and sexual orientation, as you fend off Christina Aguilera monsters and other hallucinations while taking focus tests. Back at the psychic, Miss Lindsay uses Chinpokomon cards as tarot cards to give you your horoscope.
On day 4, she pulls out an E-Meter and gives you a personality test and focus test in one, where you decide your Myers Briggs personality type, IQ, thetan level, favorite color, and sexual orientation. She finishes with a paper fortune teller, and reads your horoscope from it.
On day 5, meet her at City Wok to determine your diet. There she reveals that she's fallen madly in love with you because her dating app has analyzed both your personalities and determined you are soul mates. If you aren't attracted to women, she also pulls her wig off and reveals that she is the sex/gender you are attracted to. Nothing you say can deter her as she forces you to have a candle lit dinner with her. Try to gross her out by eating disgusting food so she leaves you alone. your final horoscope comes in the form of a fortune cookie.
Nuisance Neighbors[]
Each vacant house is home to a desperate realtor trying to sell it. They task you with beating up the neighbors who they blame for their falling property values. On Day 1, it's just the Prince and his wife who are actually being really annoying, while on Day 2, the goal shifts to evicting all the neighbors so they can bulldoze their 'blighted' homes, beginning with Cartman and Kyle's houses. For the rest, they need you to carry out the evictions.
In all, you'll need to beat up the following:
- The Prince and His Wife
- Kenny's Family
- Mr. Mackey
- Tolkien's Parents
- Heidi's Parents
- The PC Family
- Everyone in the Retirement Home
Nuisance Squatters[]
On Day 3, you find a realtor squatting in what was your house. Beat him up and earn the trust of the community, who task you with evicting all the realtor encampments throughout the town.
The Good Shit[]
Beginning on Day 2, Nathan makes it clear to you that he's not like your previous fast travel options. If he does you a favor, he expects you to do him a favor each day in return. If you want to keep using his portal service, you'll need to get your hands dirty and help him and Mimsy collect the high-grade shit needed for fecal transplants. It can't just be any old piece of crap. The best stuff is kosher, or maybe it's vegan? Or is it gluten-free? In the end, you'll find out that the diet isn't what's important; what's important is that the person it comes out of isn't a complete and utter hypocrite, as so many of the townsfolk turn out to be.
Help collect from the sewer on Day 2, Rabbi Schwartz's septic tank on Day 3, the bathroom near the school's septic tank, and a porta-potty in the town square on Day 4. You would’ve also needed to work on Day 5, except that Nathan gets arrested, and Mimsy inherits the portal gun and lets you fast travel for free.
Good Cop, Butt Cop[]
Help Sgt. Yates interview witnesses and interrogate suspects at the police station in their quest to catch the person responsible for burning down the town. Interrogate Randy, Trent Boyett, Josh Myers, and Sophie Gray.
Skate Goth[]
If you want to bring the goth kids to your side, you'll need to go to the lookout point and ride a skateboard all the way down the hill. And you must do this as non-conformistly as possible. Remember that these are not punks; that is a different subculture. Goths don't do tricks, they don't enjoy adrenaline, and they especially don't want to be seen trying to get anywhere quickly!
Shelley's Exes[]
Pull a cruel prank on a 6th grader who Shelley recently broke up with, then try the same on Skyler, but accidentally cut his car in half. Then help stalk Shelley's current online boyfriend who turns out to be a Boston Dynamics robot using ChatGPT to flirt with underage humans. Fight and destroy it to earn Shelley's friendship.
Find the LGBTQIA Animals[]
Big Gay Al needs your help again to find the pets that escaped the animal shelter. But this time, there's one for each letter of the acronym. Do this and Big Gay Al will let you play with his special doggy. That doggy is then revealed to be Mr. Slave in a leather dog gimp suit on all fours, ready to be ridden around as your new vehicle.
Ballad of the Lonely Wiener[]
Mr. White now lives alone after his wife and kids left him. Turns out, being a massive dick is a surefire way to ruin your relationships. On day 2 you discover him in the ruins of his house, unable to move due to the events of The Vaccination Special. He asks for sunscreen, but you are unable to find any until day 3 when he is already extremely sunburned. he wants you to rub it onto his ...uh, back? On day 4, get him Viagra and a prostitute. doing so will give you a giant condom airbag to attach to your vehicle as a side-on weapon. On day 5, him, his new prostitute girlfriend, and undead Jason form a loving new household.
Jump Over the Homeless[]
Nobody tells you to do this, but we can all agree that once you've jumped over all the homeless in town, Kyle will think it's pretty sweet.
Trip to the Imagination[]
Beginning on Day 3, a dense weed thicket has replaced Stark's Pond. This works just like the lost forest from TSOT, except now it's full of territorial geese that can only be killed with fire, and weed with highly hallucinogenic properties activated when set on fire. If you explore this area, you will encounter a leprechaun that you can chase down and catch. Once caught, he will open a portal for you to visit Imaginationland. This will be a small area with just the cereal mascots who will be your friend, and Mr. Mouse, who will give you the key to a safe in the theater. Open the safe to find the Panderstone.
Trivia[]
User:mrpetuski, the guy who created this, has never actually played a single South Park game, and all their knowledge of them is based on Youtube letsplays and the resources of South Park Archives.
The Fandom Corporation blocks users from linking to South Park Archives within wiki articles, which is why all of the 200+ links in this article have been redirect links to the South Park Archives, WHICH WERE REALLY ANNOYING TO HAVE TO CREATE.