Craig Tucker

elder abuse

mr. garrison is busy in court, and due to the teacher shortage, cartman's great grandma florence from nebraska turns out to be the only available substitute. she leads the class with incoherent ramblings while uncle stinky is there as her handler but doesn't do anything. cartman whispers to the others that this is awesome, and says his great grandma taught him everything he knows. she then rambles incoherently about the jews then forgets where she is. the boys go to cartman's house where stinky and florence are staying, and figure out that stinky has been pocketing all the money she makes. stan and kyle get concerned and try to get florence to retire, while cartman is inspired to start a family vlog ('daddyofive' style) in order to profit off of her himself. uncle stinky then copies him, and this leads to an escalating vlog war, publicly humiliating all 3 of them. this ultimately leads to florence getting canceled, and fired from substituting, and her and stinky leave.

meanwhile stan and kyle try to bring their concerns to other adults, who don't help, and assume they just miss mr. garrison as their teacher. they go to higher authorities who are just other old people being manipulated by their own handlers. eventually stan and kyle uncover a massive conspiracy where the whole government including the senate, white house, and courts exist just to torment old people and turn their cognitive decline into reality show entertainment. cut to mr. garrison whose trial is actually a 'dan schneider' style reality show with nickelodeon slime and dancing lobsters meant to confuse and humiliate him, as well as the elderly judge and attorneys. stan and kyle run in, asking to speak to who's in charge, and in rolls jimmy carter who reveals that after being made fun of for being too young in the 70's, he's spent the rest of his life getting revenge on old people. the boys try to convince him that he's old himself now, but mr. garrison hears it instead, and comes to terms with his own age. he decides to retire from teaching, then wonders what kind of masachistic idiot would actually want to teach these days. cut to the next day where randy is introduced as the new 4th grade teacher.

3 potty problem

on the bus, tweek tries to tell craig how deep taylor swift's music is, but craig doesn't care. bebe does the same to clyde, who rolls his eyes. at their stop, tweek darts home, and craig explains to clyde that tweek has bad pee-shyness, so holds it in all day at school. at home, tweek discovers a new airpod case with his name on it. when he puts them in, they play a secret new t swift album, and he becomes obsessed with decoding the meaning of the lyrics, and bothering craig about it. craig sees on the news that countless suicide victims have been found with those same airpods in their ears, and tries to get tweek to stop. they find out that if a non-swifty wears them, the music cuts out, and a voice tells them they weren't invited. all the songs have to do with bathroom anxiety, which tweek relates to, and dispite craig's concerns tweek keeps listening. but then he realizes the lyrics want him to go to kansas city asap, so he does without telling anyone.

craig goes to the girls for help, but they just get jealous of tweek and fight with each other over who's the biggest swifty. he then downloads every t swift album and tries to become enough of a swifty to get his own magic airpods in order to find tweek. it doesn't work, and he now feels broken up with. he vents to clyde who turned out to secretly be a massive swifty this entire time, and lets craig use the airpods he's had for months. they work together to figure it out, and go to kansas city. clyde insists on keeping up a facade that they're only going to see a football game, but bebe tags along anyway in hopes of seeing t swift. clyde continues to act annoyed around bebe, but becomes much more open and emotional when it's just him and craig, which annoys craig. at the game, they have to find t swift's secret lair under the stadium.

meanwhile, tweek learns that the airpods were a recruitment tool for people who can solve taylor's 3 potty problem. taylor takes him to her bathroom and shows him a toilet, urinal, and nest where she wishes to poop, pee, and lay eggs separately, but she can't because they all come out at the same time, because she has a cloaca, because she's secretly a bird. tweek realizes that her only real problem is embarrassment, and he ultimately needs to overcome his own embarrassment as well. his leads to them trying to simultaneously use the bathroom next to eachother, and after a long awkward silence, it works. just then, craig, clyde, and bebe with a live stream barge in. after some chaos, taylor calms down and feels freed from embarrassment. she then gifts tweek a golden egg that she just laid, then flies away.

a week later, tweek and craig listen to the new t swift song on the bus, which turns out to be all about tweek, thanking him, but also drawing attention to his bathroom habbits, and tiny penis. tweek and craig then turn it off.

spirited a gay

(this one is too f-ed up, and you shouldn't read it.)

randy picks up stan and his friends (tolkien, kyle, and timmy this time just to be different) after a long day at a denver gaming/cosplay convention. the boys say they want to just go home and relax by playing video games. randy murmurs that he wants to 'relax' but sharon hasn't been available to help 'relax' him. randy sees a korean bathhouse with a massage advertisement, and suggests they go there. the boys don't think that sounds relaxing at all, but randy guilts them by calling them all stinky, and insists they go in. in the locker room, the boys complain about how weird this is, and randy belittles their generation as overly prudish, and they have nothing to be ashamed of since american penises are way bigger than asian ones. kyle notes that timmy needs help undressing and feels bad that timmy can't do the things he takes for granted. randy runs to the massage area after leaving the boys in a hot tub/pool. kyle helps timmy get in as they talk about a new game that they saw demoed at the convention. a korean kid overhears them and invites them to a secret backroom. just as they leave, 4 korean men, including an old man in a wheelchair, take their spot in the pool.

randy gets confused why the massage table is in a public area, and where the female masseuse is. a male masseuse comes over and gives randy a very unpleasant body scrub, and randy gets upset that he won't even give him a happy ending. randy complains to the manager, and the masseuse hears this and shouts (in korean) that he quits because he's tired of these americans *points at randy* coming in here trying to have gay encounters. randy returns to the pool to find that the boys have magically transformed into koreans. using his infallible logic and racism, randy figures that this was a curse put on them by the koreans because of randy's ingratitude, and thinks he must now work for the bathhouse in order to appease the bathhouse spirits and remove the curse. after begging for a job, randy is given a cleaning task. someone asks him where the masseuse is, and randy takes it upon himself to become the new masseuse, making up many unorthodox techniques based on what he thinks a massage should be, and it leads to many offended yet satisfied korean men.

meanwhile, the boys are given new clothes, and get taken to a huge gaming tournament space filled with korean kids, who created it as an escape from the stressful environment of the bathhouse that their dads kept making them go to. they start playing the new game that they were excited about earlier, and enter into a tournament against the koreans. timmy struggles with holding the controller, so kyle reaches over to help him, but when stan notices, it's revealed to be a massive social faux-pas to touch another player's controller. stan and kyle argue about it until tolkien shamefully admits to helping timmy play games in the past, and proceeds to give pointers to kyle on how timmy likes it. stan is still grossed out by it but agrees to take turns helping timmy. however, when it's his turn, stan becomes impatient and starts playing for timmy. now the others are outraged at him, and don't let him play anymore.

the koreans in the pool overhear complaints about the new masseuse, and we learn via subtitles that the guy randy thinks is stan, is gay, and finds randy attractive. he approaches randy for a massage, but randy takes this as "stan's" memories returning, and takes him to a more private steam room to talk. "stan" takes this as an invitation, and tries to seduce randy, who misreads every signal as normal son-father affection, even as "stan" squeezes his ass while they hug. just then, a giant stinky blob monster enters the bathhouse, freaking everyone out. randy is the only one willing to help it. once cleaned, a guy emerges from it and says he's the spirit of both bathhouses and gaming. randy also recognizes him as gabe newell, ceo of steam. gabe offers him a wish, and randy asks him to help his son and his friends. gabe casts a spell, but when they see no effect, he gives up and goes away. "stan" again tries to get frisky with randy, and this gives randy the idea that a kiss will break the curse, which leads to "stan" getting other ideas, and so on.

in the final round of the tournament, gabe's spell manifests as steam shooting out of all the electronics, burning kyle's and tolkien's hands in the process. now stan must hold timmy's controller to help him win the game, while a tornado of steam is tossing around korean kids left and right, then tries to pull the boys back to randy. in the bathhouse, the boys walk past korean "stan" on his way out, then find randy in a post coitus daze. randy celebrates that the incest had broken the curse, before he decides that they should agree to just pretend like nothing had happened, which stan is happy to agree to.

Stan Marsh: Bisexual, Polysexual. I like both stendy and style(more stendy tbh)😞 He/him

Kyle Broflovski: Bisexual but more attracted to girls. He/him

Eric Cartman: Straight. Genderfluid, i feel like he doesn't care about his gender, like in the episode "Cissies" he changed his gender just because in that way he could achieve his goal.

Kenny McCormick: Pansexual. We all know how a little of a sex fanatic Kenny is, but as he grow older i think he will explore more abt his sexuality. Genderfluid, do i even have to explain? Misteryon and Princess Kenny.

Wendy Testaburger: Polysexual, Genderfluid.(tfbw mentioned this) Wendyl Testaburger.

Clyde Donovan: Straight. He/Him

Tolkien Black: Genderneutral. They/Them

Craig Tucker: Gay. He/Him

Tweek Tucker: the same as craig

Butters Stotch: Bisexual, Transgender. She/her. I like the Marjorine headcanon okay?

Scott Tenorman: Asexual/Aromantic. He/him, in the post covid he became a pastor, in the country i live pastors can't get married or have sex.

Bebe Stevens: Straight. She/her

Jimmy and Timmy are both straight for me.

Pip: Pansexual. He/him. I like to think that he'd love every person that loves him regardless the gender.

Damien: Gay. He/him. South park follows the catholic bible most. Many christians(NOT EVRYONE) see homosexual people as sinners. This stereotype is used with Satan in South park. So why not having satan's son gay aswell?

Remember: these are just headcanons and you have the same or different idea abt em tell me!

We zoom into Tweek and Craig in Tweeks kitchen with a camera, and stuff to make muffins. “Aguhh!! WHAT IF THE INTERNET HATES US!!! WHAT IF WE ALL DIE FROM A BOMB WHILE WE’RE BAKING WHAT IF WE BURN MY HOUSE DOWN!!!” Tweek exclaims while litterally shaking. “Honey, The internet loves gays.” Craig says while setting up the camera so its facing them and the oven behind them. “BUT WHAT IF THEY DONT LIKE US!1!!” Tweek exclaims. “Tweek the worst that can happen is we get a few dislikes and hate comments from homophobes. We’ll be fine.” Craig says with absolutely no expression on his face grabbing Tweeks hand. “Well uh ok then.” Tweek says reluctantly. Craig then turns on the camera starting the video.

Scutters

Stutters

Heitters

Crutters

drew these 2 yesterday because they're awesome and epi

c

..probably won't use these much

Tweek x Craig doodle because yes

I gave them eyelashes, I like putting eyelashes on non-female characters

Craig goes to da local pizza hut (AND SPOILER ALERT WENDEH DIEZ) and gets a tegridy pizza From the comedy genius randy and goes home but THE PIZZA HAS WEEEEEEEEEEED and funny weed farm haz 2 shut down because randy sold weed to a minor so da store haz to shut down and towlie divorces randy and after dat the marshe are poor (SAD) and then they have to move to kenny's house (SUPA SAD). and then craig dies from eating the pizza THE END!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

That was my crappy fanfiction. if this post gets 5 comments i'll make the sequel:

Tweek goes to mcdonalds